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Monday, October 27, 2008

Dropsonic, Belle, "Stolen" ...and don't anger a Tart, seriously

Remember when I told you "Don't forget that real loss is not in things"?* Jesus Fucking God, that was asking for it.

Stolen - Dropsonic

Dear NastyEvilMotherFuckingPeopleWhoSteal,

It might not have occurred to you on Saturday night as you were smashing our car windows that I had already had a pretty bad day. I'll forgive you for not knowing that I had been to a wake, and a rather unpleasant appointment (that shall remain nameless) immediately following that, earlier in the day. I'll also forgive you for not knowing that even though we currently live in a pretty nice neighborhood, we have absolutely no money now thanks to the recent turn of events in the financial markets. How could you possibly know that, afterall?

HOWEVER, it strikes me as completely inexcusable that someone of any persuasion (and by that I mean politically, socially, racially, financially, ethnically, etc.) could possibly think that stealing our car, right from behind our apartment, is a truly righteous thing to do. Maybe if I had been careless and left it overnight down by the lake, or in a dark alley near some abandoned warehouses, then --- sure, it might seem up for the taking! But right behind our house? We paid good money to actually purchase that fucking parking spot, we even pay PROPERTY TAX on our fucking, goddamned parking spot. That's how much our car belongs there, motherfucker! You really deserve castration for such a heinous act, and how do I even know you have a penis? I don't believe a woman does this kind of thing regardless what Hollywood would try to sell us. Read on for my logic on this one.

AS for the damage done to our one remaining car, that was just completely gratuitous on your part. In fact, you're an awfully stupid nastyevilmotherfuckingthief because breaking the window to only take my gym bag was a real waste of time and only cost me $115.00 to replace (the window, not the damn bag.) You didn't even bother to take the bottles of extremely expensive hair products, you ignorant fools! Do your homework next time and learn to recognize high end packaging. This, I take as proof you're a man or gang of underdeveloped, wanna-be men who will never feel anyone's gorgeous locks of hair in their hands because they're simply TOO STUPID to be allowed that close to people, even their own kind. Go back to wanking into your dirty socks and leave people's cars alone. Or keep stealing cars and face the knife,... you choose.

BUT most importantly I want you to know just how incredibly idiotic you are because you took one car (the one that's not paid off, thanks for that, no really... we actually LIKE debt here in Chez Tart, we eat debt for BREAKFAST you fucktwit) but you didn't even realize that inside that car you stole is the key to the car YOU LEFT!!! Yep, both cars were ours! Didn't you notice the license plates were off by only one number?? No woman would be so stupid. I'm waiting with my cleaver, come on back to steal my remaining car, I dare ya! Ha! (ok, I exaggerate here male readers but I'm so extremely pissed off, just rant at me in the comments and I'll play nice again, I promise.)

YEAH that's right! We're laughing our asses off at you and your unmatched level of collective ineptitude because the car you left would get you a whole lot more money on the black market, weenies! Not to mention the incredible sounding BOSE stereo you left in it, mmmwwwaaaahhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaa!!!!!!! Fucktards, you lose!!!!

SO peoplewhosteal, you suck. You deserve to sit in a really filthy Burger King restaurant on a Sunday morning listening to your wife's ineffective attempts to cheer you, drowned out by the cries of small children and the endless soundtrack of Kenny Rogers, Neil Diamond, and Celine Fucking Dion. I hope you get to one day share in my joy of hearing that re-keying a car with a really great stereo will cost you almost as much as parking it in a garage for the past three nights did. I really do.

And for you out there who took my cellphone three weeks ago, please make sure to use it while driving. Get into a really good fight with your sweetheart, maybe she'll even dump you as you're driving on Lake Shore Drive and you'll be distracted and drive right off the road and into it. Just don't take anyone else out with ya, ok? The same goes for the person who stole my previous cellphone a month before that too, just in case you were wondering...and my wallet that one time in the Tucson airport, my bike in 1989, my dog when I was 9, and my lunch money every day of my life in 6th grade, YOU ALL ARE NASTYEVILMOTHERFUCKINGPEOPLE.


*well ok, I can't let it go at that, because deep down I do still believe that real loss isn't in things. At least we weren't in the damn car when they wanted it. More music tomorrow I promise, and I've got a surprise for you all. Two, yep, two bands wrote us and want us to review their music! Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

I'm loving this track by Dropsonic, it's odd how you find cool stuff when looking for something else, eh? Anyone heard of them?

I need this:


aikin said...

sorry to hear about your car, etc., getting stolen. I lost a cellphone and two credit cards recently. Not only does it suck, but WHAT A FRIGGIN' HASSLE.

But, what'd you call them? Oh yeah, peoplewhosteal are just stupid-asses. One of the cards I got stolen was a company gas card that ONLY works with the designated company car.

Dumb asses!

Hope you're having a better week

Dirk said...

Sorry to say this, dearest Tart, upon the evidence of what happened to you: but the above simply is a brilliant masterpiece of a rant and I couldn't stop smiling whilst reading it!

I imagine this is not what you wanted to hear .... sorry, honey ...



a Tart said...

Aikin, thanks! It is the hassle that you deal with days after you get over the fury, lol! Yes!

And darling Dirk... I accept your compliment but I've still got my cleaver handy ;)


JC said...

Sorry sweethearts. That's just shitty.

I think you should just pack up and come live in Scotland. We're such a small and compact country that cars are not neccesary....

Highlander said...

Sorry to read about this - always seems to be on the end of something else shitty as well (like your day).

Hang in there.

a Tart said...

JC, aww thanks hun, Scotland sure is looking good right now, I'll let ya know on Nov. 5 :)

Highlander, it does, doesn't it? But, yeah, a car... welcome to the new economy, that was my first thought actually, times are changing and people will be desperate :( Thanks for your sympathies nevertheless xoxo